Well, right now I'm pretty content. I'm sitting in a new coffee shop, looking out the window plugged onto a real internet connection. My slow as molassas AOL dial-up was driving me batty! (Sorry- negative advertising. Oh well.) But I feel pretty cool with caffeine flowing through my veins, sitting in a comfy flowy new blue dress and my funky tortoise-shell glasses. (SJ- I'll have to send you a pic!) I so love playing dress-up! Whoever said we have to grow up doesn't know what they're missin. I still play aorund all the time, and actually, I think it's what keeps me sane. It helps release the tension of a life of responsibility.

On a more serious note, however, things have been kind of strange the last few weeks. Okay, hard. Friendships have been changing, life's road seems to be hid from view right now. Though I have to say, it's not by a suffocating fog, only a cool mist. I know I can trust God and He knows what lies ahead when I don't, but it's still hard to live with. As I've said before, patience has never been a virtue of mine, and God apparently seems to think it needs to be stretched a little. The last few weeks have held lots of serious conversations, incredible amounts of prayer and supplication for guidance, light, and wisdom. And though God's grace is proving sufficient, thinking about tomorrow is still slightly daunting. Perhaps that's why He tells us not to think of tomorrow.

Yesterday I saw the mom of an old friend. Actually, it was a very close friend. A guy- who I had cared very much about. It's a long story, one most of you have heard from me at one time or another. Anyhoo, he's getting married in January. That alone is kind of hard. Though I know I'm where I need to be in my life, and don't desire anything else, it's hard not to feel a little left behind. Plus, he's getting married in California- I can't go to the wedding. I'd at least hoped for a little more closure. Oh well, I guess God knows, once again. But, it was strange yesterday. So many memories were brought back- both good and bad, the joyful and the bittersweet. I was fine, but I think there was a little bit of me inside that couldn't help but cry- just a little.

I was able to talk to my Papa about God. I had been burdened to for a while, wrote him a letter in January, to which he replied we'd talk when we saw each other. So, we talked. It was the hardest, most frustrating and despairing conversation I've ever had. He refuses to believe. He denies parts of scripture- picking and choosingthe passages he likes. He says truth is relative- whatever you want it to be. He believe in heaven, but not hell. For someone who prides himself on his logical, he is so illogical. (Which is ironic, considering that's what he accused me of along with so many other unattractive character flaws he seemed to see in me.) It was really hard. It was hard to know truth, and yet not be able to make him see it. It was hard not to be furious at his defying the God who I shape my life around. It was hard to hear my grandfather become defensive and turn angry at me- the first time he's ever really said such things. It was so hard to shed tears, to no avail, to only frustrate him that I was so "naive" and "blind," to be the object of such condescension and scorn and yet know I have the truth, know that one day, he will know it too. It was truly heartbreaking. He just will not see.

Through the midst of everything here- and others- I am forever being reminded how small I am. Through it all, I keep having to throw up my hands and admit my incompetence, my helplessness, and look to God, which I guess is what He's wanted all along. So every night, I look to the sky, gaze at the moon and stars in wonder, and just pour out my soul to the only one I can, to the one who always cares. And I guess it's in those moments, in the quiet of a moonlit night that I find peace, and hope for tomorrow, and the grace to take just one more step.

I am so sorry you had to go through all that with your Papa. I know it hurts really badly, goes deep. I'm sending you a hug.

i'm still praying for him. and for you...you have a lot on your mind. but you know God will give you hope and in time, the answers to your questions.

Katy I hear you with parents and relatives. It is hard to open their eyes when seemingly they are content with their blindness. I am living with my dad, which can be challenging at times. He is my "project" for this summer and probably many more to come. I am not sure if he is saved or not. I assume not from how he lives. Anyway I'll be prayin for ya. Have a great day and always stay in the Word for strength from day to day.

still praying also